The wellness industrial complex has it wrong. While everyone else is out here microdosing mushrooms and journaling their feelings, my boyfriend and I have discovered the ancient, time-tested secret to actually enjoying this ridiculous existence: popping bottles like the world owes us a party. And it kind of does.
Every single time we get to steal a few days together in this soul-crushing timeline, we treat it like the main event (I still remember how loudly I celebrated when he uncorked our first bottle!) . Not “date night.” Not “quality time.” A full-blown, no-apologies celebration. We live for collecting moments and creating memories.
Because if you are not celebrating the fact that you both made it through another timeline without each other— does anything really matter?
I had to personally educate my man on the sacred hierarchy of bubbles. Champagne is not just “fancy sparkling wine.” It is the French aristocrat with a protected designation of origin. The bubbles were originally an accident as the fermentation process caused stored wines to explode, delivering that signature toasty, brioche-y complexity and those aggressive, fine bubbles that taste much more superior than synthetically created ones. Prosecco is the fun, flirty Italian cousin — brighter, fruitier, cheaper, and happy to show up to literally any occasion without an attitude. And then there is generic sparkling wine, the chaotic neutral workhorse that gets the job done when the good stuff is sold out or you are feeling budget-conscious.
We now exclusively order and stock the goods. Delivery drivers, grocery stores, bars or restaurants we are forever part of some elite sparkling wine cartel. No more settling. Life is too short for mid bubbles.
And yes — my boyfriend occasionally does shots with my dad. Because bonding. Because tradition. Because nothing forges that sacred father-in-law/son-in-law alliance quite like grimacing through a round of vodka while pretending they are not both slightly terrified of each other. I sit back with my drink and watch these two grown men bond over the universal language of “let’s burn our throats and talk about Trump so we don’t have to talk about feelings.” It is disgusting. It is wholesome. It is peak masculinity.
I on the other hand am a disciplined one-espresso-martini woman. That perfect, caffeinated, slightly dangerous little monster in a martini glass. One is elegant. The rest of the drinks are for celebration purposes only.
This is what the sobriety police failed to understand: drinking is how we weaponize joy against the void. Why would I care if alcohol prematurely ages my cells when my man is forever babying me and making my life silly, fun and easy? It pushes us to create more memories and experiences.
- It turns ordinary moments into legendary ones. That random dinner I made becomes “the night we popped the good bottle and laughed until we cried.”
- It lowers the volume on the noise. The anxiety of not being together, the overthinking, the endless mental tabs open in my brain — alcohol (and him) is the world’s most reliable (if imperfect) volume knob.
- It creates actual memories instead of just content. Sobriety is great for optimization. But you know what is better? Happiness. Celebrating that happy moment is great for living a story worth telling.
- It is rebellion in a glass. Every time you choose celebration over optimization, you are flipping off the wellness grifters— your sleep scores and your hormone levels do not provide a full picture of how your life is going to go.
Life is already one giant, absurd, painful, hilarious win just by virtue of you still being here. The universe is actively trying to humble you every single day. Might as well humble it back with some bubbles and bad decisions that turn into good stories.
So yeah. We drink. We celebrate. We treat every shared hour like it is New Year’s Eve because the alternative is pretending this is all very serious and we should be optimizing our sleep scores instead of making questionable choices with each other.
Pop it. Live a little. The sober police will still be there tomorrow, miserable and well-rested.
Kat’s Musings 