Tag: mental state

  • Down Under Dreams: My Wild Teenage Adventure in Australia with People to People

    Down Under Dreams: My Wild Teenage Adventure in Australia with People to People

    At fifteen years old, I stepped off a plane into a world that felt like it had leaped straight out of a National Geographic. The air was warmer, drier, and carried the faint scent of eucalyptus. I was part of the People to People Ambassador Program, a life-changing opportunity that took a group of wide-eyed American teens halfway around the globe to Australia. What started as a simple cultural exchange trip quickly became a whirlwind of big-city glamour, rugged outback exploration, family-style homestays, and the kind of teenage chaos that only happens when you are far from home and the usual rules do not quite apply (the innocent kind though, not really what we see on teenager television shows).

    Our itinerary was perfectly balanced between urban sophistication and raw Australian wilderness. We bounced between the gleaming harbors of Sydney and Melbourne and endless stretches of red earth in the outback. Long bus rides became our moving classrooms—hours spent watching the landscape shift from bustling streets to golden grasslands. We stayed with local families who opened their homes (and hearts) to us, sharing meals, stories, and glimpses into everyday Aussie life that no guidebook could ever capture.

    Sydney hit me like a fever dream. The iconic Opera House rose like white sails against the sparkling harbor, its curves even more breathtaking in person than in any photo I had seen. We toured the Olympic facilities from the 2000 Games, walking through stadiums that once echoed with global cheers. I remember standing there, imagining the roar of the crowd, feeling tiny yet somehow part of something enormous.

    But beneath the excitement, I carried a heavy secret. This was the year after I started high school, and the pressure to look and be “perfect” had already taken root in my mind. Australia felt like the ultimate reset button—a chance to reinvent myself far from judgmental eyes back home. Before the trip even began, I emailed the volunteer chaperones with a carefully worded note: I would not be eating much, and they should not worry about me. Looking back now, it breaks my heart to think of that determined, insecure fifteen-year-old girl trying so hard to control the one thing she could in a brand-new country.

    On those long bus rides, packed lunches were handed out like clockwork—sandwiches thick with deli meats, crisp chips, and sweet treats. I would politely unwrap mine, eat only the apple, and quietly put the rest aside. The volunteers were kind, but I could feel their concerned glances. During our homestay in Melbourne, the warm “mom” of the house cooked a hearty Australian meal just for us. I pushed the plate away after a few bites, murmuring something about being full. Her disappointed but understanding look still lingers with me. Food became both enemy and background noise while the real adventure swirled around me.

    Of course, no trip at fifteen would be complete without plenty of youthful mischief. I flirted shamelessly with the boys in our group—stolen glances across bus aisles, whispered jokes during tours, and that electric buzz of first crushes amplified by the freedom of being overseas.

    The Australian sun, however, showed no mercy. Wanting to be perfect meant that I wanted golden skin. I ended up severely sunburned. My skin turned lobster-red, peeling in painful sheets for days. Lesson learned: respect the ozone hole Down Under.

    One of my biggest hurdles was begging my mother—via crackly payphone calls from a random shopping mall —to let me get my belly button pierced. I pleaded, I reasoned, I dramatically described how “everyone” was doing it. She held firm.

    Instead, I settled for a temporary tattoo from a quirky shop near the harbor. It was some butterfly design that I proudly showed off to the group. When I got home, I let everyone believe it was real, basking in the temporary cool factor before it faded in the shower. Small rebellions, big memories.

    The real soul of the trip was during our long bus tours through the outback. The landscape stretched endlessly—red dirt, scrubby bushes, and skies so vast they made you feel wonderfully insignificant. We learned about Aboriginal culture, their deep connection to the land, and the stories passed down through oldtime legends.

    Vehicle driving on winding red dirt road in arid outback landscape
    A vehicle traverses a winding red dirt road through arid outback terrain under a partly cloudy sky

    One unforgettable stop was a wildlife sanctuary where I finally got to hold a tiny koala. He was everything I imagined: fluffy gray fur, button eyes, and a sleepy demeanor (apparently they are constantly high from eating the eucalyptus). I beamed for the camera, arms gently cradling him. But internally? I was screaming. Those adorable little claws dug into my arm like tiny needles. Sharp did not even begin to describe it. Still, worth every scratch for that photo and the story.

    We spotted kangaroos hopping freely in the wild—elegant, powerful creatures that seemed to defy gravity. At the sanctuary, we got closer, feeding them and watching their curious faces up close. Later, in a remote outback experience hosted by Aboriginal elders, we were treated to kangaroo tail. It was an honor to share in their traditional food. The tail was tough, mostly dense muscle with very little fat or tenderness—chewy, gamey, and completely unlike anything I had eaten before. It was not about gourmet flavor; it was about connection, respect, and tasting a piece of the land itself.

    That trip to Australia did not magically fix my insecurities around food and body image. Those battles continued for years as I eventually got down to double digits on the bathroom scale. But it planted seeds of perspective. I saw a country that was both modern and ancient, vibrant and harsh, welcoming and wild. I learned that adventures are messy—full of sunburns, awkward flirtations, hidden struggles, and moments of pure wonder.

    Holding that koala, even through the pain, symbolized something bigger: sometimes the cutest, most picture-perfect experiences are actually concealing something painful. Pushing away plates did make me feel more in control; but it also made me miss out on shared meals and hospitality. The temporary tattoo washed off, but the memories never did.

    Years later, I look back on that fifteen-year-old girl with compassion. She was brave enough to travel across the world, curious enough to embrace new cultures, and human enough to make mistakes. Australia taught me that life is best experienced fully—sunburns, sharp claws, kangaroo tail, and all.

    If you ever get the chance to say yes to an adventure that scares and excites you, just do it (like Nike!). Whether it is Australia or somewhere closer to home, the outback of your own growth is waiting.

  • The Faux Pas of Following the Script in Life

    The Faux Pas of Following the Script in Life

    Faux pas.

    Literally, it means “false step” in French—like you tripped over your own feet in the middle of a crowded ballroom and everyone turned to stare. In American English, we have borrowed the term to describe any social blunder, any tiny (or not-so-tiny) violation of the invisible rulebook that supposedly keeps society running smoothly. Say the wrong thing at a dinner party. Wear white after Labor Day. Ask a woman when she is expecting … when she is not actually pregnant. Boom. Faux pas. Social death.

    The phrase has always fascinated me because it is so perfectly French in its elegance and so perfectly American in its judgment. It sounds sophisticated, almost romantic—but really it is just polite code for “you messed up and now everyone’s secretly judging you.”

    And that got me thinking.

    Why are we so obsessed with these invisible lines? Who drew them? Who keeps redrawing them every few years? And why does the mere idea of being told how I am“supposed” to behave in any given situation make my skin crawl and my inner rebel kick into overdrive?

    I have never been good at following scripts. Not in recitals, not in job interviews, and definitely not in the grand theater of adult life. The older I get, the more I realize that a huge chunk of my personal growth has come from deliberately stepping on the lines everyone else is so busy tiptoeing around. Not out of spite (okay, sometimes out of spite), but because performing for an invisible audience feels like slow suffocation.

    Let me give you an example. My lack of job or career. My relationship and its status.

    Translation: Sweetie, that’s a faux pas. You’re supposed to say you are a “marketing coordinator” or “nurse practitioner” or anything that sounds like you have a 401(k) and a five-year plan.

    And: He is suppossed to choose you immediately. You should live together, get married and become a family, like everyone else…

    Because apparently everyone is the same and has the same path in life.

    Stability is overrated when you are busy living the life you actually want. And I want to be his 100%.

    That moment I am told how to live my life is never about being rude. It is all about refusing to shrink myself into the neat little box labeled “Acceptable Adult Woman.” Society has a whole collection of those boxes—career boxes, relationship boxes, body boxes, personality boxes—and they all come with instruction manuals disguised as “just common sense” or “what everyone does.”  News flash: most people do not even have any sense whatsoever (so it is not really that common). 

    Here is the thing I have learned the hard way: those expectations are not there to protect us. They are there to keep things comfortable. Comfortable for everyone else. Predictable. Easy to categorize. If I follow the script—get the degree, land the safe job, marry at the right age, have the right number of kids, post the curated vacation photos, never admit I sometimes cry in my shower—then nobody has to feel awkward. Nobody has to question their own choices. The machine keeps humming.

    But what if the machine is boring? What if the script was written by people who were terrified of their own shadow? What if “fitting in” is just another way of saying “quietly dying inside”?

    I am not advocating for chaos. I still say please and thank you. Basic decency is not the enemy. The enemy is the quiet tyranny of “this is how it’s done” when “it” no longer fits who you actually are.

    I hate being told what to do because I spent too many years doing exactly that and waking up wondering whose life I was living. I hate performative expectations because they turn human connection into a performance review. And I especially hate the way media has turned every single faux pas into a public execution. One off-color political joke, one long distance relationship, one honest opinion and suddenly you are struggling to get followers on social networks.

    The irony is that the people quickest to call out faux pas are often the ones most trapped by them. They are not free; they are just better at pretending.

    So here is my quiet rebellion: I am going to keep committing the occasional faux pas. Not the cruel ones—never those—but the ones that come from refusing to edit myself for other people’s comfort. I am going to wear the “wrong” outfit, say the “wrong” thing at the “wrong” time, and build a life that looks messy and inconsistent and deeply, unapologetically mine.

    Because the real false step is not tripping over some arbitrary social rule.

    The real false step is spending your whole life walking someone else’s path so carefully that you forget how to walk your own.

    And relearning how to walk has taught me that:  I would rather stumble forward in my own Yeezys than glide perfectly in someone else’s shoes. 

  • Walking Ten Feet at a Time: My Daily Dance with Recovery

    Walking Ten Feet at a Time: My Daily Dance with Recovery

    Every single afternoon, after the nap my body demands like a stubborn toddler, I film myself walking. It is only about ten feet. To most people, that probably looks like nothing at all. But to me, those ten feet are everything. A step closer. They are proof that I am still moving forward—literally—one brave, wobbly step at a time. It feels incredible.

    My days start brutally early. I am up at 4 a.m., already chasing the version of myself I desire. By the time lunch is over, my body is spent from the morning’s workout and the constant grind of rehabilitation. My eyes grow heavy, my muscles scream for mercy, and I surrender to the bed like a little baby who earned her nap time. I used to fight it, but I learned to listen. The nap is not weakness; it is fuel. When I wake up an hour or two later, something magical happens. Energy surges back. Determination reignites. And suddenly I am excited—actually excited—to challenge myself again.

    That is when I head to the back deck.

    I strap on my brace even though I hate it. Most days I go without, stubborn as hell, refusing any device that reminds me I am not “normal” yet. But when I am about to push my limits, safety first applies (*eye roll*). The deck has a sturdy railing on one side—my own private parallel bar. I used to grip it at first, today I just walk along it slowly, no longer feeling the wood warm under my palm. At the end of the railing, I just stand there, working on my balance. Feet planted, core engaged, eyes focused on a spot in the distance (the heating lamp usually). The world narrows to that single task: don’t fall.

    I film every attempt. Sometimes it is a clean walk. Sometimes it is shaky. First, my left (weak) leg pushes forward. That is the easy one. I do not need balance or strength help on this side, but then I have to shift onto this weak side and move my right leg forward. Sometimes the left side refuses to hold me up. Sometimes I end up on the ground. I have fallen more times than I can count out there—head cracking against the deck, shoulder slamming into the wall. Each bruise is a story. Each tumble is data.

    I send the videos to my boyfriend anyway. I do not even know if he is watching them but the simple act of having an audience changes everything. It turns a lonely struggle into a performance. It makes me bolder. I love showing off for him. There is something powerful about letting the person you love witness your rawest, most determined moments.

    I remember the early days when I had to clutch that railing for dear life, knuckles white, heart pounding. Letting go felt terrifying—like stepping off a cliff (hence why I wear my brace out there— in case my weak side refuses to hold me upright). But I did it anyway. Because I want this more than I fear the falls. I want to walk across a room without thinking. I want to stroll through a park holding his hand instead of a cane or brace. I want zero differentiation between me and everyone else. No explanations. No pitying glances. Just me, moving through the world the way I used to—freely, confidently, joyfully.

    This recovery is not linear. Some days the ten feet feel like a marathon. Other days I surprise myself and push for more. The falls rarely happen anymore , but they sting a little less because I know they are temporary. Every time I stand back up, dust myself off, and hit record again, I am rewriting my story.

    Small steps matter. Naps are not laziness; they are strategy. Now I see that my stubborn refusal to stay down is beautiful. I keep filming. Keep showing off. Keep chasing the version othat refuses to be defined by limitations.

    I am not there yet. But every afternoon, after my nap, I get a little closer. Ten feet at a time.

    And it feels amazing.



    I am already dreaming bigger—longer distances, no railing, maybe even a real walk around the block. I will keep sharing the journey here, bruises and all.

  • A League of Their Own: Reimagining Feminism

    A League of Their Own: Reimagining Feminism

    In a world drowning in performative activism and corporate girlboss-ness, I find myself returning to one movie that actually gets feminism right: Penny Marshall’s 1992 classic A League of Their Own.

    The film does not lecture you. It does not scream about the patriarchy or demand that you affirm anyone’s feelings. Instead, it shows women rolling up their sleeves, stepping onto the baseball diamond, and proving they belong—not because someone owed them a spot, but because they earned it through talent, grit, and sheer stubbornness.

    Real Empowerment, No Victimhood Required

    Set during World War II, A League of Their Own tells the story of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. With the men off fighting, these women were not waiting for permission or special treatment. They tried out, competed fiercely, and played real baseball in front of skeptical crowds. The movie nails the tension between traditional expectations (“be ladylike!”) and the raw reality of sliding into bases, spitting tobacco, and throwing like you mean it.

    The women face ridicule, ridiculous uniforms, and mandatory charm school, yet they respond by getting better at the game. That is the kind of feminism worth celebrating: one that expands opportunity through excellence rather than lowering standards or rewriting rules.

    Tom Hanks delivers one of his most quotable performances as Jimmy Dugan, the washed-up, foul-mouthed and drunken manager who starts off dismissive of his new team. He dives into his arsenal of acting skills and proves to one of the greatest/ all encompassing talents to watch. His arc from cynical has-been to proud coach is pure gold, and his legendary “There’s no crying in baseball!” rant remains one of the funniest moments. Hanks does not mansplain or apologize for his initial attitude—he grows because the women force him to see their competence. It is organic character development, not a scripted takedown of toxic masculinity (because clearly there is no such thing!).

    The supporting cast is stacked in the most 90s way possible. Madonna as “All the Way” Mae brings swagger and showmanship, and Rosie O’Donnell as Doris provides heart and humor. Watching them now is oddly nostalgic—they were vibrant, funny, and unapologetic without being cringe with the heavy ideological baggage they now adopt. It is a reminder of a time when pop culture could just be fun instead of a constant sermon.

    The whole ensemble feels like a genuine team. These characters have flaws, rivalries, and personal stakes, but they are never reduced to their gender or used as props for a message. The feminism emerges naturally from the story: women being capable, competitive, and resilient when given the chance. Not women who think that they are superior to men.

    A League of Their Own celebrates women’s strength without tearing down men or pretending biology does not matter on the field (obviously women sports are not as competitive/ popular as men’s and that is OK). It shows sisterhood that includes healthy competition. It acknowledges hardship, (as the whole reasoning behind this team is the separation from loved ones during war) without wallowing in it. It is, thus, extremely patriotic—Most importantly, the women win respect by playing well, not by demanding it (*cough, cough * Women’s USA Soccer Team).

    In contrast to today’s discourse, which often frames women as perpetual victims needing protection from “the system,” this movie says: Here is an opportunity—go seize it. And they did. The real AAGPBL players inspired the film, and their legacy still feels refreshing thirty-plus years later.

    If more modern feminism looked like the Rockford Peaches—tough, talented, and focused on achievement rather than outrage—I suspect a lot more people would get on board.

  • Transforming Style: From Lounge to Elegant Outfits

    Transforming Style: From Lounge to Elegant Outfits

    Let’s be honest, most days, I am living in what I lovingly call my daily “uniform.”

    You know those super soft, buttery lounge leggings that feel like a second skin (Felina)? Pair them with a sports bra and an oversized sweatshirt featuring a Boston sports logo, and I am basically set for the day. Whether I am doing a home workout or just cozying up with my laptop, this combo is my go-to. It is comfortable, practical, and requires zero effort. I can move freely, stay warm (I even wear my sweatshirts in the summer, but with shorts!), and still feel put-together enough not to scare the delivery driver when I answer the door.

    But on the days I actually leave the house for physical therapy/for a quick workout, things level up a bit. That is when I reach for one of my thirty-six pairs of Lululemon or ALO leggings—the ones my man has generously spoiled me with over time. These pieces are a whole vibe: high-waisted, sculpting in all the right places, and made to move with you. I slip into one of the matching sports bras he has picked out for me, and before I layer on a top (also courtesy of his excellent taste), I take a few quick selfies or mirror pictures. It is my little ritual—capturing how the outfit hugs my body, how confident it makes me feel, and showing appreciation for the thoughtful gifts that make me feel seen and supported.

    So , I admit—I am not very fancy on an everyday basis. I hope to one day prance around our place in a silk bathrobe amongst Jo Malone and Diptyque home fragrances and Sade tunes in the background. But right now, my style is rooted in comfort and functionality more than high fashion most of the time.

    That said, I have been doing some reading lately about the materials used in a lot of activewear, and it has made me pause. Those thirty-six pairs of leggings are all on notice. They might need to be gradually phased out or swapped for cleaner, more conscious alternatives as we learn more about what is in the fabrics we wear daily. Fashion should feel good and be better for our bodies long-term, right? (Plus, I live a commando lifestyle so having that part near those toxins is a no-no). 

    But here is where my style really shines: when my man and I have plans to go out. That is when I come alive. I transform. He knows how much I crave designer labels, and dressing up is one of my absolute favorite types of foreplay. I still wear designer clothes that my mother bought me (even if she says that I take them for granted). But, there is nothing like slipping into a chic cocktail dress that makes me feel elegant and feminine. The silhouette, the fabric, the way it moves—it is pure joy. My signature twist is pairing that dress with a fresh pair of Jordans. Yes, really. There is something so fun and unexpected about high-end glam mixed with cool, comfortable sneakers. It is edgy, it is me, and it always gets compliments.

    Sometimes I keep it more casual even on nights out—just a great pair of designer jeans and a cozy flannel shirt. But even then, the details matter. The jeans are a size zero/24 and have that perfect fit/premium feel that makes basic outfits look intentional.

    It is funny how it takes very little effort to actually make an effort and look good. A few thoughtful pieces, the right fit, and the confidence that comes from feeling comfortable in your skin (and your clothes) can completely change how your day—or night—feels.

    Whether I am in lounge mode or dressed to the nines, the common thread is pieces that make me feel good, supported by a man who loves spoiling me with things that bring me happiness. 

  • Reconnecting Through Documentaries: JFK Jr. & Carolyn Bessette

    Reconnecting Through Documentaries: JFK Jr. & Carolyn Bessette

    In the whirlwind of modern life, where days blur between deadlines, workouts, and endless to-do lists, my boyfriend and I have carved out a sacred little sanctuary each afternoon. After powering through afternoon gym sessions—and once the work emails have finally been answered (by him), I take my afternoon shower and settle down with my MacBook…Lights dimmed, blankets/ sweatshirt draped just so and the show waiting for me to delve into (hopefully we will do this with a couple of glasses of wine someday soon!).

    This is our time to disconnect from the chaos and plug into something that feels both entertaining and enriching. This past week, our nightly ritual transported us back to the glittering, tragic world of the Kennedy family with a captivating streaming documentary series focused on John F. Kennedy Jr. and his whirlwind romance with Carolyn Bessette (Love Story on Hulu).

    Our routine is simple but intentional. By the time the sun dips below the horizon, we have earned this pause. Exercise clears the mental fog, work gives him purpose, and then… release. We dim the lights, queue up the show, and for about an hour , the outside world fades. No scrolling social media (well…. Occasionally), no multitasking. Just us, the story unfolding, and the occasional pause to chat about what we are watching. It has become our favorite way to reconnect after busy days—sharing laughs, theories, and those “wait, did that really happen?” moments that make history feel alive.

    This last week’s choice was particularly mesmerizing: a deep-dive documentary chronicling the life of JFK Jr., the golden boy of American royalty, and his intense, fairytale-like love story with Carolyn Bessette. Carolyn was not some “random girl”—she was a stylish, former publicist at Calvin Klein, the kind of woman whose effortless New York cool turned heads in the fashion world long before she stepped into the spotlight as a Kennedy. She plays the hard-to-get game and follows “The Rules”—like I did when I first met him.

    I could not help comparing the two. A man who is simultaneously a boy who needs a woman to rescue him (like Edward in Pretty Woman). He craves for a soulmate to hold his hand through his traumatic past. It was full of dramatic recreations of history to paint a portrait of two people who found each other amid the blinding flash of fame.

    What struck us most was how the series humanized them. John F. Kennedy Jr.—“John-John” to the world—grew up in the shadow of his father’s assassination, America’s Camelot dream, and relentless media scrutiny. He was the handsome, charming magazine publisher (George magazine) who could have coasted on his name but chose ambition and adventure instead: piloting planes, kayaking dangerous waters, and searching for something real. Enter Carolyn, a Calvin Klein insider known for her icy-blonde elegance, razor-sharp intellect, and quiet confidence. Their meeting in the ‘90s New York scene was electric from the start. The documentary does not shy away from the messiness—the paparazzi chases, the strain of constant public eyes, the pressures of blending her low-key fashion life with his high-profile legacy.  She gave up her job (and seemingly her life) for him. And she was constantly criticized for it by her normie family members. 

    We were glued to the screen as it explored their secret courtship, the whirlwind 1996 wedding on a tiny island off Georgia (Cumberland Island, with its rustic charm and zero media seclusion), and the honeymoon phase that looked picture-perfect from afar. But the show also delves into the harder truths: the tabloid frenzy that followed them everywhere (and how this very frenzy killed Princess Diana), rumors of relationship strains, Carolyn’s discomfort with the spotlight, and the tragic end that still feels surreal decades later—their fatal 1999 plane crash off Martha’s Vineyard.

    The producers did an excellent job balancing the glamour with the grit, showing how love can be both a sanctuary and a casualty of fame.

    Watching it together sparked so many conversations between us. We would pause and debate: How would we handle that level of intrusion? What does it say about privacy in the age of influencers and 24/7 news? My boyfriend, ever the history buff, pointed out parallels to today’s celebrity culture—how little has changed since the ‘90s in terms of media obsession. I loved the fashion details; Carolyn’s minimalist, sleek style (think slip dresses, oversized sunglasses, and that iconic wedding gown by Narciso Rodriguez) still influences runways and Pinterest boards today. It made us reflect on our own relationship—grateful for the quiet normalcy we share, the ability to just be without cameras flashing.

    Beyond the romance, the series touched on broader Kennedy lore: glimpses of Jackie O.‘s influence, the weight of the family name, and John’s quest to forge his own path. It was never just a love story; it was a meditation on legacy, loss, and the price of being “American royalty.” By the final episode, we were both a little misty-eyed, discussing how stories like this remind us to cherish the present.

    Our nightly shows have become more than entertainment—they are little windows into other worlds that make our own feel richer. Whether it is his beloved historical documentaries or something romantic —our exercises crushed, (his) work conquered, and stories that linger long after the credits roll.

    My advice is to pair this show with your own unwind ritual: maybe some cozy socks, a charcuterie board, (or a nut butter snack?!) or just the comfort of someone you love beside you.

  • My Cringey, Hungry, Blonde Obsession Years

    My Cringey, Hungry, Blonde Obsession Years

    When I was young, I was obsessed with Britney Spears (another basic bitch tendency). I know today she is a total mess, but there was a time when my walls were covered in pictures of her—I was straight-up obsessed with Britney Spears. The one with the flat stomach, tiny outfits, and that “Hit Me Baby One More Time” schoolgirl fantasy that made every pre-teen’s hormones go haywire.

    My bedroom walls were a full-on Britney shrine. Posters from floor to ceiling, magazine cutouts taped up in my closet. I wanted to be her — that perfect blend of innocent and filthy, the girl every guy wanted and every girl secretly envied. People definitely thought I was a lesbian back then. I mean, can you blame them? I was plastering my room with images of a half-naked pop princess. 

    And yes, I took it to the extreme. During the darkest days of my eating disorder, I followed her old workout routine religiously. Twelve hundred sit-ups a day. That was my way of insuring that I was working off every calorie I was forced to eat. No exaggeration. I would lie on my living room floor, starving, counting every crunch while imagining my stomach getting as flat and tight as hers. (Sometimes it would be until two in the morning and then I would be up at six). That kind of obsession is not cute — it is unhinged. But at the time it felt like devotion. Britney was my thinspiration, my goddess, my unattainable fuck-you to my own body.

    Then eighth grade hit and I had a full personality 180. I ditched the pop princess fantasy and became the ultimate “surfer girl.” Still skinny, but not glitzy and glamorous. You know the type — sun-bleached hair, golden skin (spray on tans FTW), that effortless, just-fucked beach vibe. I traded in my old wardrobe for head-to-toe Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister. I lived in those graphic tees and low-rise jeans that sat dangerously on my hip bones. I wanted to look like I just rolled out of a beach bonfire with sand still in my hair and saltwater on my skin.

    I begged my parents to send me to surfing camp in California. I actually went all the way to Australia chasing that fantasy life. I studied the skinny beach bum girls like they were my new religion — the ones with long, tangled blonde hair, tiny bikini bodies, and that lazy, seductive way they carried themselves. I dyed my hair with platinum blonde streaks and spent hours perfecting the windswept look. I wanted to be the girl guys stared at while I walked down the beach carrying a surfboard, all tan legs and collarbones. 

    This was right in the middle of my most extreme anorexic era, too. The thinner I got, the better my “surfer girl” costume fit. My hip bones jutted out, my thighs did not touch, and my stomach was concave enough to make those Abercrombie shorts hang just right. I was starving myself into the aesthetic. Every wave I caught, every mile I ran, every skipped meal was part of the transformation. I was not just playing dress-up — I was trying to disappear into this fantasy version of myself: blonde, effortless, desired, and dangerously thin.

    Looking back, it was wild how seamlessly I went from worshipping Britney’s polished, sexy pop-star body to chasing the raw, sun-drenched, barely-there surfer chick fantasy. Both versions of me were starving — literally and figuratively — for the same thing: to be wanted. To be the fantasy. To be the girl that made people lose their minds a little.

    I chased that high hard. From bedroom Britney dances to riding waves, bleaching my hair until it snapped, and counting every single sit-up like it would bring me closer to perfection.

    Those years were intense, messy, desperate for attention, and strangely formative.

  • Organically Made

    Organically Made

    You all know that I am obsessed with organic foods. My distrust of the food industry runs deep—processed junk loaded with seed oils, additives, and mystery chemicals that wreck our metabolism, hormones, and energy. I believe in choosing clean, supportive fuel that helps our bodies thrive rather than fight constantly. Today, I want to apply that same scrutiny to everything I put in or on my body.

    But clothes? For the longest time, I gave them a pass. Sure, I knew polyester was basically plastic—petroleum-derived trash that is cheap to produce and insanely profitable for brands. They just slap a high price tag on something made from recycled water bottles while our skin pays the real cost. (Hence why I never bought into recycling!)

    I understood it traps heat, does not breathe, and sheds microplastics everywhere. But I shrugged it off. I was always a fashionista at heart. As long as I looked good for pictures, I did not care about what I was doing to my health. Until recently.

    Polyester (and its synthetic counterparts like nylon, spandex, and acrylic) is not just uncomfortable. It is problematic for health, especially hormones. These fabrics are loaded with or treated using endocrine-disrupting chemicals: phthalates, BPA, antimony, PFAS “forever chemicals,” and more. When you sweat, move, or just wear them all day, these can leach onto your skin and get absorbed, especially during workouts or in warm conditions.

    They mimic estrogen, mess with thyroid function, progesterone balance, fertility, and more. Microplastics shed with every wash and wear (hundreds of thousands per load) end up in our water, air, dust, and eventually our bodies. Research links this chronic exposure to inflammation, metabolic issues, and hormonal chaos—the exact opposite of the pro-metabolic, high-energy life I am going for.

    It is the clothing version of eating ultra-processed junk. Brands love it because it is dirt cheap and durable in a “will not biodegrade for 200+ years” kind of way. We are literally strapping plastic to our bodies for convenience and aesthetics.

    I used to roll my eyes at hemp, organic cotton, linen, and similar natural fabrics. They screamed crunchy granola, hipster vibes—flowy dresses, scratchy textures, and overpriced “ethical” lines that felt more performative than practical.

    Until now.

    After digging deeper (and begging my boyfriend to let me try some pieces), I get it. These are not hippie relics; they are superior, science-backed upgrades that align perfectly with a distrust-the-industry, body-honoring lifestyle.

    • Hemp: Incredibly durable (stronger and longer-lasting than cotton), naturally antimicrobial and UV-protective, breathable, and softens with wear. It requires minimal water/pesticides to grow, improves soil, and is biodegradable. Feels cooling and fresh—perfect for everyday wear without the plastic sweat-trap.
    • Organic Cotton: Soft, hypoallergenic, breathable. No toxic pesticides or GMOs like conventional cotton. Gentle on sensitive skin and does not hold onto odors or bacteria like synthetics.
    • Linen (from flax): The ultimate summer fabric—highly breathable, moisture-wicking, and antibacterial. It gets softer over time and has a beautiful, lived-in drape that looks effortlessly chic now, not dated.

    These fabrics support your body’s natural regulation: better temperature control, less irritation, no chemical leaching. They biodegrade instead of polluting forever. And once you experience how they feel—light, non-clingy, skin-friendly—you will never go back.

    This doesn’t mean overnight wardrobe overhaul or spending thousands.

    Start small— like making sure your loungewear and whatever you spend most time wearing is natural. Read labels!  I will no longer have my man buy me a date outfit that is made of plastic no matter how cute (because it will make me cold and uncomfortable), but I still wear leggings every day for my workouts so we have work to do!

    It feels empowering, just like choosing ripe fruit, fresh dairy, and avoiding PUFAs. Your skin, hormones, and peace of mind will thank you.

  • From Sugar Baby to Trad. Wife:

    From Sugar Baby to Trad. Wife:

    I will say it out loud, no shame: I used to want to be a full-on Sugar Baby. Not the cheap fantasy version you see online, but the real thing—pampered, polished, and possessed by a man who could afford to keep me dripping in luxury and attention. I was never on Seeking Arrangements or any of those sites, but when I got really sick, that dream became my secret lifeline. While my body was failing me, my mind was busy painting a future where I was not disabled anymore. I imagined myself as this feminine goddess: luscious long hair cascading down my back, completely hairless and smooth everywhere that mattered, skinny, full makeup—the whole package. The kind of girl men could not look away from.

    I joined a private Facebook group full of girls who knew exactly how to weaponize their femininity. They taught me how to dress, how to move, how to speak, how to flirt with power and money. Every post, every tip, every “how to make him obsessed” thread lit a fire under me. It gave me something to fight for on the worst days. While I was stuck in a wheelchair, I was mentally rehearsing the version of me that would turn heads and drain wallets. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be admired. Craved. Spoiled. Chosen. Deep down, I did not feel worthy of any of it yet—but that fantasy made me believe I could be.

    And then… it actually happened.

    When we first connected on Twitter (yes, Twitter, before Elon Musk saved us with X) the sugar baby lifestyle was all that I hoped for and I absolutely was not looking for anything real. Commitment? Hard pass. Feelings? Too risky. But attention and shiny new toys? Those I could handle. So that was what I settled for. I strung him along, playing it cool, dropping hints about what I wanted without ever sounding desperate. He read between the lines perfectly.

    He knew the game from the jump. I gave him a PO Box instead of my real address at first—safety first,—and every single week, like clockwork, a new package would show up. AirPods? Delivered with a cheeky video of him on the Apple website ordering them while I was lounging in Cabo, both of us convinced our flirty Twitter phase was fizzling out. A Pretty Woman DVD (yes, an actual physical DVD, the man has taste and nostalgia). Barstool Sports gear for days because we bonded hard over the unfiltered sports talk that made us both laugh like idiots. He spoiled me rotten, and I let him. No guilt. No apologies.

    Every girl should experience sugar baby vibes at least once. There is something powerfully feminine about being pursued, pampered, and provided for while you keep your little heart in a little locked box. The hundred-dollar Venmos, the surprise drops, the thrill of knowing he is thinking about you every time he swipes his card—it is intoxicating. It is not just about the stuff. It is the power dynamic. The way it makes you feel desired, expensive, worth the chase.

    But then it got real. 

    The constant contact—the good-morning texts, the voice notes that made me smirk in public, the weekends that turned into three hour-long FaceTime coffee dates—started cracking my walls. What began as “he buys me things, I give him attention” slowly became I can’t quit him. The sugar daddy arrangement was the gateway drug, but the real addiction was him. His humor. His voice. The way he matched my chaotic energy and then some.

    Now? He still pays my bills. No more random Venmos, but the support is deeper, steadier, sexier in its reliability. He is not just a sugar daddy anymore—he is my man. My love. My favorite person on the planet.

    Yet those Baby and Daddy vibes? They never left. They evolved into something deliciously playful and immature that keeps the spark filthy and fun.

    We act like absolute children together. The kind of childish that involves wrestling over the remote (when we are physically together), ridiculous nicknames, and the kind of uncontrollable laughter that turns into happy tears and breathless squeals. I have never laughed as hard in my life as I do with him. The squeals he pulls out of me—they are embarrassing and addictive. When we first started talking, I used to slap my hand over my mouth— hiding my crooked smile from his view. We are talking full-on belly laughs that leave my abs sore and my face hurting. Pure, unfiltered joy. The man makes me happy in a way I did not know was possible. The kind of happy that makes you glow, that makes everyone side-eye you like, “Who the hell are you right now?”

    There is something profoundly hot about a relationship that can go from “Daddy’s spoiling his baby” to deep, soul-quenching love without losing the playfulness. The power exchange is still there. He provides, I tease. He leads, I challenge. He has me feeling both safe and completely unraveled.  A feeling I never expected. I thought that I would be the other woman. Or a sugar baby. Not the main event. 

    So if a man is willing to show up for you like that—financially, emotionally, playfully—do not be afraid to lean in. Sugar baby energy is not about being shallow; it is about knowing your worth and letting someone prove they can match it. And when the gifts turn into genuine love, when the “arrangement” becomes “forever,” it hits different. Deeper. Wetter. Louder.

    I went from stringing him along with a PO Box to being completely, stupidly in love with the man who still makes me feel like the most spoiled and cherished woman alive—went from a sick girl who did not feel worthy of being looked at to the woman who gets spoiled, and loved so intensely/passionately it leaves me ruined for anyone else.

    And those squeals? They are just getting started.

  • Stop Romanticizing the Past: Embrace Today

    Stop Romanticizing the Past: Embrace Today

    We have all heard it. We have all said it. “Man, things were better back then.” People are always yearning for the good old days—start appreciating everything today:

    Nostalgia is not a memory—it is a seductive liar.

    It edits out the bad.

    The ugly.

    We airbrush the boredom, the limited choices, the untreated depression, the rotten teeth (yay for healthcare!) and the way information trickled so slowly that ignorance felt like wisdom. I kind of do wish we ladies were still dumb, though… I rely more on my man to know what is going on in the world so that I can just be delulu about things.

    And while we are busy pining for that heavily filtered past, the actual miracles are all around us right now. We are living in the most abundant, connected, opportunistic era in human history, and most of us are too busy doom-scrolling and whining to notice.

    Technology seems to be sprinting. AI that writes better essays than most college students. Instant access to the entire library of human knowledge in your pocket. You can video call your grandmother on another continent while ordering takeout that arrives piping hot. And still, people scroll past miracles to complain that their coffee order took four minutes instead of three.

    This change terrifies people. It always has. That is why every generation thinks the next one is doomed. But here is my hot take: your nostalgia is a coping mechanism for your fear of the unknown. It is easier to idealize 1997 than confront 2026. People are afraid. What is going to happen tomorrow or next month?

    It seems easier to romanticize rotary phones than master and learn the new tools.

    Stop yearning. Start appreciating—aggressively.

    The secret is not in the past. It is in the lens. Shift it—or stay miserable.

    Look at your smartphone not as a distraction device but as a doorway for wonder. With it, you can learn a language in weeks, watch a live surgery in Tokyo, or hear the voice of someone who died decades ago (I know… Creepy.) We treat these luxuries like it is normal. It is not. It is insane.

    We find food in our grocery stores from every corner of the world. Planes and automobiles have actually united us. We consume other cultures and cuisines. This is the true meaning of America.

    Surgery and modern medicine (despite its faults) make it absolutely insane to continue complaining about the small aches and pains. Some of us do not even walk; are you really going to cry about a hangnail?

    The internet has also demolished geographic and social barriers. You can meet your person- someone who actually matches your weird frequency- instead of settling for the least awful option within a 10-mile radius. I personally would despise settling down with someone from around here. The old days had arranged marriages and shotgun weddings. We now have sad dating apps and yes, we rate each other based on our looks. So yes, trade-offs exist, but pretending the past was pure romance is historical fan-fiction.

    In a culture addicted to outrage and comparison, choosing to appreciate the present is rebellious. It is punk rock. It flips off the algorithm that profits from dissatisfaction. People really do love to complain, criticize, and comment.

    Essentially, the world is blossoming with possibility while you are staring at old yearbooks. One thing that has always bothered me is that most of our bodies are a biological marvel capable of running, dancing, orgasming, and healing—and yet people are mad about theirs not looking like a filtered influencer. It is called do something about it—if a disabled girl can lose more than one hundred pounds, you can do anything. The body is truly a marvel.

    The mind is too.
    Your mind can comprehend quantum physics (or silly girly things—like writing a blog!) and write love poems, yet you use it to relive 2008 politics.

    The good old days are a trap. They keep you small, bitter, and blind to the abundance screaming for your attention. Every moment you spend mourning a myth is a moment stolen from building something better.

    The world is changing so fast that if you blink too long in nostalgia, you will miss the best parts of being alive right here, right now. The coffee is hot. The internet works—until the power goes out, because living in the woods is great. Your heart is beating. The future is wide open.

    Appreciate it all—fiercely, obnoxiously, unapologetically.

    Or keep complaining. The past will not care, and the present will keep delivering miracles whether you notice them or not.

    The choice is yours. But only one of them feels like living.