My early years were pure, unfiltered chaos — the kind that would get a kid checked on today. My parents and I traveled the globe like it was our personal playground. No five-star resorts or curated “experiences.” Just raw movement. My father had this mountain bike with a little seat rigged to the back, and I would perch there like a tiny, curious creature , wind whipping my face while he pedaled through foreign cities. I could not even reach the pedals, but I was along for the ride anyway. That was me: five years old, zero fear, maximum adventure.
And yeah, I was incredibly promiscuous. Do not clutch your pearls — I am not talking anything illegal or tragic, just the raw, unashamed chaos of a feral kid who had not yet internalized society’s shame software. I would flirt with strangers in markets, wrote love letters to my classmates, and I even had a little boyfriend who I was constantly kissing and laying naked with. I collected attention like currency. I especially did not believe in boundaries. I was a walking diplomatic incident in pigtails. From little boys, grown men and even a girl cousin. I was living proof that toddlers can be absolute heathens if you let them.
Fast-forward to now, and holy shit, the contrast is brutal. I still chase adventure, but it is domesticated. I demolish raw meat and fish, organs and I still fantasize about packing a bag and disappearing. The itch is there. But the execution is different now. I am a homebody now, and it feels almost traitorous to admit. The girl who once rode shotgun on a mountain bike across continents now dreams of becoming his housewife. Not in some tradwife cosplay way for clout, but genuinely. Apron on, dinner simmering, waiting for the door to open so I can hand him a drink and melt into that quiet, possessive domestic bliss. Something that I got a little taste of this last week.
Life happened I guess. Adulthood installs its updates whether you want them or not. Never mind the disability that has shackled me to the house. The same kid who thrived on constant motion discovered that true comfort can be found in one well-chosen address. The promiscuity died somewhere along the way — not with shame, exactly, but with the realization that cheap thrills and scattered attention leave you hollow. I traded the dopamine hits of “everyone likes me” for something deeper, rarer, and way more dangerous: wanting to belong to one person so completely it rewires your entire operating system.
I still get the urge to book a one-way ticket and vanish. I used to scroll through flight deals like a junkie. But then I picture coming home to him — the house smelling like whatever chaotic fusion dish I attempted that day, laundry folded (badly), me barefoot in the kitchen wearing nothing but his oversized shirt. That fantasy hits harder than any passport stamp ever did. The bike seat on the back of father’s mountain bike taught me motion. Adulthood taught me anchorage. And weirdly, I am greedy for both.
Ultimately, I guess I am out here living this schizophrenic existence: still ordering the rarest thing on the menu, still plotting future escapes, but happiest when I am nesting. The former global toddler slut has been tamed — not by force, but by choice. And if that makes me basic or boring or a walking contradiction, fine. I will own it while I perfect his favorite recipe and secretly plan my next chaotic food order.
The adventure did not die. It just moved inside the house, put on an apron, and started calling one man “home.”
Deal with it. I am thriving in this paradox.
Kat’s Musings 