Tag: blog

  • Just Do It

    Just Do It

    What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

    I believe in spontaneity—flying by the seat of your pants. You feel it. Then you do as Nike says and just do it.

    Empty coastal road at dawn with overnight bag

    There is a particular electricity in deciding before the mind has time to assemble a committee. Before you can overthink. The body knows first. A sudden urge to love someone, take a different road home, to say yes to a last-minute invitation, to start the thing you have been circling for months. Spontaneity is not chaos for its own sake. It is trust that the present moment contains more information than the spreadsheet you made last Tuesday.

    Over-planning has its place. Maps are useful. Budgets matter. But when every decision is pre-approved by fear of looking foolish or wasting time, life flattens into a sequence of safe rehearsals. You end up living a well-organized version of someone else’s idea of a good life. The seat of the pants is less dignified and far more honest. It is the part of you that still remembers how to move before it has justified the movement.

    Branching amber and turquoise light ribbons

    Nike’s slogan works because it is almost insultingly simple. “Just Do It” does not promise a perfect outcome. It does not require a five-year vision board (although I make one every year) or a mood board or a detailed risk assessment. It assumes the feeling is already there and that hesitation is the only remaining obstacle. The phrase is a permission slip to act while the spark is still hot.

    That spark is fragile. Wait long enough and the inner critic arrives with questions: Is this practical? What will people think? What if it fails? By the time those questions are answered, the original impulse has usually cooled into a memory of something you almost did. Spontaneity is a race against that cooling.

    This does not mean every whim deserves obedience. Some impulses are hunger, boredom, or avoidance wearing a costume. The useful distinction is between the cheap thrill and the deeper yes—the one that arrives with certainty rather than a loud craving. You learn the difference by acting often enough to notice the aftermath. Some spontaneous choices leave you lighter. Others teach you what not to do next time. Both are data.

    People who live this way collect stories instead of regrets about missed chances. They remember the night they stayed online and met someone who changed their trajectory. They remember booking the ticket before the price went up and before they talked themselves out of it. They remember starting the project on a Tuesday afternoon because the idea would not leave them alone. The planned life can be admirable. The improvised one tends to be more alive.

    Vintage train platform at twilight with maps

    There is also a humility in it. Flying by the seat of your pants admits you do not have the full picture and that you are willing to find out by moving. Perfectionism pretends otherwise. It waits for certainty that never quite arrives. Spontaneity accepts that some of the best decisions look reckless from the outside and inevitable from the inside.

    So when the feeling comes—clear, uninvited, a little inconvenient sometimes —treat it as information rather than an interruption. You do not need a manifesto. You need a small act of follow-through. Feel it. Then just do it. The rest of your life writes itself after you start moving.

  • My First Paycheck at 36: Turning a Quiet Hobby into Real Work

    My First Paycheck at 36: Turning a Quiet Hobby into Real Work

    I just got my first paycheck today.

    I’m 36.

    That sentence still feels strange to write. For most of my adult life I assumed a “first paycheck” was something that happened in your early twenties—something you celebrated with cheap champagne and a slightly embarrassing Instagram caption before life moved on. Mine arrived later, after years of personal work that never came with a stub, a deposit, or the quiet little thrill of seeing your name next to a number that someone else decided your time was worth.

    For a time that work was my mother’s spa. I grew up in that space. I learned how to fold towels the exact way she liked them, how to greet a regular by name before they even sat down, how to mix oils so the scent lingered just long enough after a client left. I learned the business side too—inventory, bookings, the particular diplomacy required when someone is unhappy with their facial but does not quite know how to say it. I was good at it. I was useful. And for years that felt like enough.

    It was also, if I am honest, a kind of postponement. Helping her was not just love and duty; it was a way of staying inside a story that already made sense. I had time to achieve my goals (aka perfection). The spa had its own rhythm. My days had a shape. I did not have to answer the question of what I wanted to build.

    The thing I wanted to build started was not a career or a legacy. As a younger woman all I wanted was a beautiful body and excellent grades. I only started writing as a hobby. A place to grieve during my lonely university years. Something I did because it made my brain quiet. I did not treat it like a career. I treated it like oxygen. I practiced. I got better. I shared a little of it with friends. One of those friends runs her sister’s business. During a coffee date, she asked if I could help with the website. I said yes before I had time to talk myself out of it.

    That yes turned into freelance work. The work turned into invoices. And today one of those invoices turned into a paycheck with my name on it.

    It is not a fortune. It does not rewrite the last decade. It does not erase the years I spent pouring energy into someone else’s dream because it was also, in many ways, the family dream. But it is mine. It is proof that the thing I kept doing in the margins—the thing I almost dismissed as “just a hobby”—had weight. That it could travel outside the house. That someone would pay for it.

    I keep thinking about how late this feels and how on time it also feels. Thirty-six is not old. It is also not the age the culture usually hands you a first-paycheck story. I have always been a late bloomer, just look at my first [and only] relationship. There is a particular tenderness in arriving here after you have already learned how to be responsible, how to keep running even when you are tired. The version of me who is cashing this check is not the same person who might have received one at twenty-two. She knows more about endurance. She also knows more about what she is unwilling to abandon.

    I am proud of the years at the spa. I am proud of my mother. I am proud of the part of me that showed up there. And I am proud, in a quieter, newer way, of the part that kept the hobby alive long enough for it to become work.

    Tonight the paycheck is just a number in an account. Tomorrow it will start becoming something else—a little more room to keep going. Mostly it is a marker. A first one. Proof that a passion practiced in the leftover hours can eventually walk out of the leftover hours and stand on its own.

    I’m late, I guess.

    I’m also exactly here.

    A flower-lined stone path winding through a sunlit woodland
    A flower-lined woodland path winds through lush trees toward a warm, sunlit meadow.
  • Happy Birthday to the First Man I Ever Loved: A Letter to My Father

    Happy Birthday to the First Man I Ever Loved: A Letter to My Father

    Today marks another trip around the sun for the man who has quietly shaped every corner of my life—the one who taught me what strength looks like when it is wrapped in laughter, what loyalty feels like when it is served with a side of sarcasm, and what unconditional love actually is. Happy Birthday, Dad.

    Silhouettes of a father and child holding hands on a hill during sunset
    A father and his young daughter hold hands while watching a vibrant sunset from a hilltop.

    From the moment I entered this world, you have been my benchmark. You did not just raise me; you modeled the kind of man I should look for one day. Patient but firm. Protective but playful. Someone who shows up, every single time, even when life throws curveballs. You became more than a father—you became my friend. The kind of friend I can call with zero judgment,

    Then there are the political debates. Oh lord, the debates. You with your Russian-state-media deep dives and me with my Fox News/ X.com rabbit holes. We yell, we gesture wildly, we both refuse to back down… and then we laugh about it over ice cream because at the end of the day, none of it matters as much as the fact that we can still sit across from each other. That is us—passionate, opinionated, and bonded by something far stronger than any headline.

    You have always been an incredibly hardworking silly goose. I used to call you my little brother when I was small because you were more fun than any grown-up had a right to be. You built/drew my school projects like an architect, and you would turn grocery runs into adventures. Yet the moment life demanded it, that military toughness kicked in. Stoic. Disciplined. The man who could fix anything with the right tools and sheer willpower. You taught me resilience without ever making it feel like a lecture—just by living it.

    And yes, the spoiling. You spoiled your baby girl rotten, and I have zero shame in admitting it. Whatever craving hit me, luxury trips, and endless courage to chase dreams that probably sounded delulu to you. You turned me into this proud delulu queen who believes anything is possible because you made me feel like the world was soft enough to catch me if I fell. Thank you for that safety net. Thank you for letting me stay your little girl even when I am all grown up and pretending to have it all together.

    Father, you are my first love. The love that taught me how to love others. The steady heartbeat I measure my current relationship against. The voice that still calms me, the arms that still feel like the safest place on earth.

    The steady heartbeat I measure my current relationship against

    So on your birthday, I hope you feel every ounce of gratitude and love I carry for you. I hope the year ahead brings you desserts worth drooling over, jokes that make you snort-laugh, and maybe—just maybe—a story where we both pretend to agree.

    Happy Birthday, my favorite silly goose, my hero, my friend. I love you more than all the words in every language combined.

    Forever your baby girl.

  • Unapologetic New Beginnings: Crush Your Old Patterns

    Unapologetic New Beginnings: Crush Your Old Patterns

    I am unapologetically obsessed with new beginnings. New year? Yes, please. New season? Sign me up. New day? Gladly take it. But new months? That is my drug of choice. That clean page on the calendar hits different—

    This one is for the ones who want the raw, unfiltered version: the middle-finger-to-the-past, let’s-actually-change energy.

    Every 30–31 days, the clock resets whether your life is together or a flaming dumpster. That is the beauty and the brutality of it. You do not get to negotiate. The month ends. Old excuses expire. The universe does not care if you ghosted your goals or finally told your toxicity off—it just hands you a new battlefield.

    I crave that. It is proof we are not trapped. Last month you might have been spiraling, people-pleasing, doom-scrolling, or quietly dying inside. This month? You get to be the chaotic, glorious version of yourself that actually follows through. Or at least tries harder before self-sabotaging again. Progress, baby.

    New months expose the lie that you are “stuck.” You are not. You are just dramatic about continuity. The calendar calls your bluff every single time.

    The hope is not fragile and sparkly. It is gritty. It is the voice in your head that says “this month could be the one” even after you have failed spectacularly before. New months do not fix you. They just give you a fresh arena to fight in.

    I am always looking forward to something shiny and new. I am like a child with a new toy or puppy…. People generally get bored and stagnant when things are no longer new and exciting. So I am always trying to find ways to make the mundane worth celebrating.

    You do not need permission to want better. You do not need everything figured out. You just need to stop romanticizing your own stagnation.

    So when the clock strikes midnight on the 31st, feel that delicious little jolt. That is your cue. The old month is dead. And you do not need to attend the funeral.

  • Why I am Obsessed with Numerology (Even If I Do Not Fully Get It)

    Why I am Obsessed with Numerology (Even If I Do Not Fully Get It)

     I might not be able to rattle off the full Pythagorean chart or decode your destiny from a single birthdate like some crystal-wearing mystic, but goddammit, I love numbers.

    I am memorizing the hotel room numbers my man and I stay at before I even drop my bags. Some random Tuesday feels electric if the numbers line up right. And do not even get me started on the bathroom scale — that might be the eating disorder talking, but whether it is a glowing number or an analog one, I like to keep my man happy with the weekly weigh in. Hence, I am listening.

    Numerology is the belief that numbers are not just cold math — they are vibrating with mystical, occult, divine, whatever-you-want-to-call-it energy. It is ancient too— used by the Hebrews and Greeks way before the modern woo woos . We are talking assigning numbers to letters, names, dates, words — all that gematria sorcery — to peel back the layers of your personality, predict your future, figure out if your situationship is doomed, or decide if next Thursday is actually a power move or a cosmic trap.

    At its core, I believe numbers carry vibrational energies. They are not random. They are the universe’s messages, sliding into your life with coded messages. Some people call it pseudoscience. I call it the only math I actually give a shit about. Because 2 + 2 = 4 is boring. But 11:11 popping up every time keeps life interesting. 

    It started innocently enough. Staying in random hotels with my man, I would obsess over the room number; like it is foreplay. Memorizing every single one so that I could play it in trivia and lottery just to prove that we are winning at life (or at least at the minibar). Ultimately, the numbers are blessing me.

    Call it delulu. I call it paying attention.

    People chase numerology for the same reason they doom-scroll astrology apps at 2 a.m.: we are all desperate for meaning in this chaotic clown world. If you are trying to time your next big move, launch, breakup, or revenge glow-up, personal year numbers will tell you when the stars (and numbers) are aligned for maximum destruction or ascension.

    It is self-discovery for people who think therapy is not worth it and tarot is too vague. It is career guidance without the LinkedIn. It is relationship compatibility without asking your situationship “what are we?” like a normie. And your life path number can help you understand why you are drawn to certain elements like power…. Calculate your Life Path Numbers by adding the month, day and every number in the year (2+0+2+6 would be the number ten ), then keep adding until you get a single digit (10 would be 1, because you add the two numbers 1+0). 

    Each digit 1–9 has symbolic meanings:

    • 1: Leadership, independence, new beginnings.
    • 2: Balance, harmony, partnerships.
    • 3: Creativity, communication, joy.
    • 4: Stability, hard work, structure.
    • 5: Freedom, adventure, change.
    • 6: Responsibility, nurturing, harmony.
    • 7: Introspection, spirituality, analysis.
    • 8: Ambition, power, material success.
    • 9: Compassion, completion, humanitarianism.

    Numerology has had its revivals — popping up in the New Age scene, wellness circles, self-help bros quoting it between their cold plunges and manifestation journals. It never really died; it just went underground and came back hotter, edgier, and rebranded for Instagram (like me?!)

    I do not have all the answers. I am not a numerology expert. I am just a girl who gets a little too excited when the universe throws her the same repeating numbers as if it was flirting. Maybe it is all bullshit. Maybe it is just our pattern-seeking brains doing what they do best. Or maybe — just maybe — the numbers really are talking, and most people are too out of touch to hear them.

    I choose to listen. Loudly. With my whole chaotic heart. Numbers do not lie. People do. The universe speaks in code, and I am over here decoding it one hotel room, one date and one defiant pound at a time.