Kat’s Musings

Tag: believe

Manifesting My Ideal Life: Love, Wellness, and Joy

The kind of life that would finally allow me to fully exist is:

• A life with him: there is no such thing as “focus on yourself first” as I have found that being dedicated to the love of my life does so much for me. My soul recognizing its favorite home. Everything I thought I needed to “work on” in isolation suddenly becomes irrelevant because the thing that was actually starving me was the absence of him. This life brings me much more joy and happiness than getting whatever I want delivered to my doorstep etc. Being together physically makes my entire soul let out a giant sigh of relief.

I do not want to be a self-sufficient island. I want to be his. Fully, stupidly, unapologetically his. I want the version of me that only exists when I am pouring into someone who pours back. That version feels more alive than any solo “healed” version I have ever performed.

Two people walk down a sunlit old stone street casting long shadows.

• Able- bodied life: And yes, I want the body that can actually meet that life.

All in all, I am not interested in the gentle, realistic, disability-acceptance script everyone tries to hand me like a participation trophy. I do not want to “redefine beauty” or “find new ways to move through the world.” I want my left side to cooperate again. I want to walk for miles without calculating how much pain I am willing to trade for the view. I want to put on a pair of stilettos and feel my hips sway instead of my balance negotiate with gravity. I want to hold his hand on a long hike and not have to pretend the cane is some cute accessory.

Doctors and well-meaning realists can keep their timelines and their “you’ll probably always need…” speeches. The universe is not running a charity. It is not on a budget. If I can imagine my fingers threading through his while we walk through tall grass at golden hour, if I can see myself in the kitchen moving freely, cooking for the man I chose, then that version is already on its way. I am not manifesting from a place of lack. I am remembering forward. My arms will work. My balance will hold. I will be the woman who can be a proper wife to him without negotiating with my own nervous system every time I stand up.

• Warm and sunny life: There is something about the amount of dopamine and serotonin I get from the sunshine. Plus I am forever freezing so I would rather survive somewhere naturally warm than have my man pump in synthetic heat for the majority of the year. I want mornings where the light pours through the windows onto our bed and neither of us has to reach for a sweater.

• Unemployed life:while I do love writing ; let it be my own little hobby. I refuse to let my words turn into another job that pulls me away from him. In order to fully dedicate myself to my man, I will not to answer to anyone else/ have any stress or anxiety running through my veins. Girls are meant to live easy and whimsy little lives. I want to be the woman who makes his house feel like home instead of the woman who comes home exhausted and has nothing left to give.

• Childless life: I am an incredibly selfish person and I know that I will always put me and my man first. Unfortunately I know what it is like to be completely ignored/ neglected by a parent and I will never wish that kind of pain and suffering upon a child, but I know that my personality is to do just that.

So no kids. Not as some enlightened childfree flex. Just as the only honest choice I can make. Better an empty house than a child who grows up feeling like an afterthought.

A cozy wooden rocking cradle sits by a bright window with sheer curtains flowing in the breeze. Empty cradle= freedom (for me personally)

This is the life that would finally let me exist instead of survive.

Him. Walks. Sunshine that actually warms me. No boss, no inbox, no tiny humans I would inevitably fail. Just the two of us in a warm house where my body works, my soul is quiet, and I get to pour every single drop of myself into the only thing that has ever made the noise stop.

Call it codependent. Call it regressive. Call it whatever makes you feel better about the life you settled for.

I am not settling anymore. I am asking for the whole thing. And I am not ashamed of how badly I want it.

June 27, 2026
Benefits of Drinking (Yes, You Read That Correctly)
The wellness industrial complex has it wrong. While everyone else is out here microdosing mushrooms and journaling their feelings, my boyfriend and I have discovered the ancient, time-tested secret to actually enjoying this ridiculous existence: popping bottles like the world owes us a party. And it kind of does.

Every single time we get to steal a few days together in this soul-crushing timeline, we treat it like the main event (I still remember how loudly I celebrated when he uncorked our first bottle!) Not “date night.” Not “quality time.” A full-blown, no-apologies celebration. We live for collecting moments and creating memories.

Because if you are not celebrating the fact that you both made it through another timeline without each other— does anything really matter?

I had to personally educate my man on the sacred hierarchy of bubbles. Champagne is not just “fancy sparkling wine.” It is the French aristocrat with a protected designation of origin. The bubbles were originally an accident as the fermentation process caused stored wines to explode, delivering that signature toasty, brioche-y complexity and those aggressive, fine bubbles that taste much more superior than synthetically created ones. Prosecco is the fun, flirty Italian cousin — brighter, fruitier, cheaper, and happy to show up to literally any occasion without an attitude. And then there is generic sparkling wine, the chaotic neutral workhorse that gets the job done when the good stuff is sold out or you are feeling budget-conscious.

We now exclusively order and stock the goods. Delivery drivers, grocery stores, bars or restaurants we are forever part of some elite sparkling wine cartel. No more settling. Life is too short for mid bubbles.

And yes — my boyfriend occasionally does shots with my father. Because bonding. Because tradition. Because nothing forges that sacred father-in-law/son-in-law alliance quite like grimacing through a round of vodka while pretending they are not both slightly terrified of each other. I sit back with my drink and watch these two grown men bond over the universal language of “let’s burn our throats and talk about Trump so we don’t have to talk about feelings.” It is disgusting. It is wholesome. It is peak masculinity.

I on the other hand am a disciplined one-espresso-martini woman. That perfect, caffeinated, slightly dangerous little monster in a martini glass. One is elegant. The rest of the drinks are for celebration purposes only.

This is what the sobriety police failed to understand: drinking is how we weaponize joy against the void. Why would I care if alcohol prematurely ages my cells when my man is forever babying me and making my life silly, fun and easy? It pushes us to create more memories and experiences.
- It turns ordinary moments into legendary ones. That random dinner I made becomes “the night we popped the good bottle and laughed until we cried.”
- It lowers the volume on the noise. The anxiety of not being together, the overthinking, the endless mental tabs open in my brain — alcohol (and him) is the world’s most reliable (if imperfect) volume knob.
- It creates actual memories instead of just content. Sobriety is great for optimization. But you know what is better? Happiness. Celebrating that happy moment is great for living a story worth telling.
- It is rebellion in a glass. Every time you choose celebration over optimization, you are flipping off the wellness grifters— your sleep scores and your hormone levels do not provide a full picture of how your life is going to go.
Two people clink champagne glasses on a terrace overlooking a coastal sunset town.

Life is already one giant, absurd, painful, hilarious win just by virtue of you still being here. The universe is actively trying to humble you every single day. Might as well humble it back with some bubbles and bad decisions that turn into good stories.

So yeah. We drink. We celebrate. We treat every shared hour like it is New Year’s Eve because the alternative is pretending this is all very serious and we should be optimizing our sleep scores instead of making questionable choices with each other.

A champagne bottle is popped open, spraying bubbly foam at a festive gathering.

Pop it. Live a little. The sober police will still be there tomorrow, miserable and well-rested.
June 26, 2026
Embrace the Summer Solstice: A Celebration of the Season

I love the Summer time— and I really love celebrating. Summer solstice is my ideal. It is finally here — the longest day of the year, the sun’s victory lap, and the official middle finger to cold, dark, depressive days. My favorite goal for me and my man is to be out here treating it like the whimsical rave it was always meant to be.

In ancient history, midsummer (the celebration of the summer season) was dedicated to Pagan gods, fertility, crops etc. but I do not see why we should not be celebrating the solstice in the religious sense (thanking God’s/the Universe’s creation).

I am talking quiet little picnics with iced drinks and polite conversation. I also want bonfires that scare the neighbors. I want to stay up until the sky finally gives up and turns dark (which, thanks to the solstice, feels like never). I want to chase the last rays of sunlight. Because this is the one day the universe hands us maximum daylight and says, “Go be reckless, animals.”

A couple enjoys a sunset picnic in a vibrant wildflower meadow

Ancient cultures got it right. They lit massive fires, danced until they dropped, mated in the fields, and basically celebrated the sun. Modern life turned it into “wear white linen and drink rosé on a rooftop.” Cute. But weak. I am here for the chaos edition.

We start at sunrise like lunatics who respect the assignment. (Iced) coffee, loud music, minimal clothing. We drag ourselves outside because the sun is literally showing off and we are not wasting a single golden hour. Then it is beach, lake, rooftop, forest — anywhere the light hits hardest.

A glowing bonfire lights up a colorful meadow at dusk with people nearby

We eat: grilled everything, fresh fruit that drips down your arm, cold wine or champagne because yes, we are always on that bottle-a-night agenda.

At night? Bonfire mandatory. Even if it is a little fire pit in the backyard, I want my Americana s’more snack. Throw in some herbs, some music that makes your ancestors proud, and dance like the veil between worlds is thin (because on solstice it kinda is). Light sparklers. Howl at the sky. Jump over the flames if you are brave enough. Make out like teenagers because the sun blessed the whole day (and season).

Life is mostly gray office lighting and existential dread. The summer solstice is one of the few times the planet throws us a proper party. The sun is at its strongest, the earth is fertile, and everything feels electric. Do not spend it folding laundry or doing the mundane.

Get outside. Get loud. Get a little unhinged. Burn something. Fuck someone. Worship the light while it lasts because in six months we will be back in the void, writing about seasonal depression.

This is our peak. Our longest day. Our reminder that even in this clown timeline, the sun still shows up and cooks the planet just to watch us thrive.

So celebrate like you mean it.

Strip down. Heat up. Light it up.

Happy solstice (I am waiting to properly celebrate with him).

See you at the bonfire. Bring champagne.

A radiant sun surrounded by glowing floral motifs in a cosmic background

June 22, 2026
My deepest passion is nutrition — but ultimately, it’s all for him

What are you passionate about?

He is the prize at the end of the journey. To fully receive that gift and build the life I dream of with him, I have made my health non-negotiable. Nutrition is not just a hobby for me; it is something I can wax poetic about for hours with genuine excitement. I have explored it all — from the MAHA movement (seed oils, fluoride, ultra-processed additives, and all the hidden toxins) to Ray Peat’s principles and everything in between. I have lived the experiments myself: vegan, gluten-free, paleo, keto. I have been underweight and overweight. Through trial and error, I have learned what truly makes the body and mind thrive.

A glowing, multicolored heart-shaped swirl glimmers vividly in space.

A brain injury years ago left me with some lasting effects I can be self-conscious about. It does not stop me from loving deeply or building a lasting relationship— as seen in my current form attracting him (thankfully, the “disability” does not seem to bother him at all), but I still carry that quiet desire to show up as my strongest, healthiest self. I want to move through life with ease — for me, and especially for him.

Currently. Wifely duties from afar.

Because more than anything, I long to be his perfect little housewife. I can already manage it beautifully with one hand, but two steady hands would let me pour even more love into our home. And yes — almost every girl dreams of the aisle. So I am committed to walking strong, not just so I can hold his hand while we stroll down the street or along the beach, but so I can walk down that damn aisle toward him, radiant and ready for forever.

Love from a Distance.

June 13, 2026
Believe Before You See: Unlocking Your Potential

If humans had taglines, what would yours be?

She Believed She Could, So She Did: This is not just a cute little motto—it is the tagline of my entire life. It is the quiet battle cry that has carried me through every pivot, every failure, and every hard-won triumph.

I had this exact quote bedazzled across the top of my graduation cap the day I finally walked in 2018 (six years after I was supposed to graduate university). After years of stops, starts, and detours, that single line summed up everything I had learned the hard way: You have to have faith even before there is any proof.

The hardest part is believing when everything tells you not to.

.

The first half of the motto—“believe”—was the one that nearly broke me during my recovery. When you are surrounded by limitations, when every appointment, every test result, every well-meaning person keeps reminding you of what you cannot do, faith starts to feel impossible. But nothing is impossible! When the evidence against you is loud, the proof you are waiting for is nowhere in sight.

There were days I could not even picture a future version of myself that was not defined by pain or restriction. How do you keep moving when your own body (and sometimes the people around you) seems to be saying “this is as good as it gets”?

I learned that belief is not the absence of doubt—it is the decision to keep going in spite of it. It is waking up and choosing to do the tiny, unglamorous thing anyway: the extra set of exercises, the scary conversation with a physical therapist, the dream that says “I will walk farther this month” even when yesterday felt like failure.

Proof comes later. Faith comes first.

That is the magic no one tells you. The moment you start acting as if the outcome you want is already on its way, doors begin to crack open. Opportunities show up. Your nervous system starts to relax just enough to let healing in. Small wins compound. What once looked impossible slowly becomes your new normal.

I have seen it in my education (I basically graduated Magna Cum Laude with half of a brain!), in my health, in my relationship, and in every pivot I have made since. The times I waited for perfect proof before I believed, I stayed stuck. The times I chose to believe anyway—messy, scared, imperfect belief—I eventually got the proof I was craving.

A wooden bridge stretches across calm water towards a vibrant sunset.

So now I am in that in-between season right now—where the dream feels ridiculous, the recovery feels endless, and the next chapter feels invisible—So I keep reminding myself:

Believe before you see.

Bedazzle it on your cap, write it on your mirror, tattoo it on your heart if you have to. Because I am proof that the belief you choose today is quietly building the proof you will celebrate tomorrow.

June 12, 2026
My Cringey, Hungry, Blonde Obsession Years

When I was young, I was obsessed with Britney Spears (another basic bitch tendency). I know today she is a total mess, but there was a time when my walls were covered in pictures of her—I was straight-up obsessed with Britney Spears. The one with the flat stomach, tiny outfits, and that “Hit Me Baby One More Time” schoolgirl fantasy that made every pre-teen’s hormones go haywire.

My bedroom walls were a full-on Britney shrine. Posters from floor to ceiling, magazine cutouts taped up in my closet. I wanted to be her — that perfect blend of innocent and filthy, the girl every guy wanted and every girl secretly envied. People definitely thought I was a lesbian back then. I mean, can you blame them? I was plastering my room with images of a half-naked pop princess.

And yes, I took it to the extreme. During the darkest days of my eating disorder, I followed her old workout routine religiously. Twelve hundred sit-ups a day. That was my way of insuring that I was working off every calorie I was forced to eat. No exaggeration. I would lie on my living room floor, starving, counting every crunch while imagining my stomach getting as flat and tight as hers. (Sometimes it would be until two in the morning and then I would be up at six). That kind of obsession is not cute — it is unhinged. But at the time it felt like devotion. Britney was my thinspiration, my goddess, my unattainable fuck-you to my own body.

Then eighth grade hit and I had a full personality 180. I ditched the pop princess fantasy and became the ultimate “surfer girl.” Still skinny, but not glitzy and glamorous. You know the type — sun-bleached hair, golden skin (spray on tans FTW), that effortless, just-fucked beach vibe. I traded in my old wardrobe for head-to-toe Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister. I lived in those graphic tees and low-rise jeans that sat dangerously on my hip bones. I wanted to look like I just rolled out of a beach bonfire with sand still in my hair and saltwater on my skin.

I begged my parents to send me to surfing camp in California. I actually went all the way to Australia chasing that fantasy life. I studied the skinny beach bum girls like they were my new religion — the ones with long, tangled blonde hair, tiny bikini bodies, and that lazy, seductive way they carried themselves. I dyed my hair with platinum blonde streaks and spent hours perfecting the windswept look. I wanted to be the girl guys stared at while I walked down the beach carrying a surfboard, all tan legs and collarbones.

This was right in the middle of my most extreme anorexic era, too. The thinner I got, the better my “surfer girl” costume fit. My hip bones jutted out, my thighs did not touch, and my stomach was concave enough to make those Abercrombie shorts hang just right. I was starving myself into the aesthetic. Every wave I caught, every mile I ran, every skipped meal was part of the transformation. I was not just playing dress-up — I was trying to disappear into this fantasy version of myself: blonde, effortless, desired, and dangerously thin.

Looking back, it was wild how seamlessly I went from worshipping Britney’s polished, sexy pop-star body to chasing the raw, sun-drenched, barely-there surfer chick fantasy. Both versions of me were starving — literally and figuratively — for the same thing: to be wanted. To be the fantasy. To be the girl that made people lose their minds a little.

I chased that high hard. From bedroom Britney dances to riding waves, bleaching my hair until it snapped, and counting every single sit-up like it would bring me closer to perfection.

Those years were intense, messy, desperate for attention, and strangely formative.

April 14, 2026
From Sugar Baby to Trad. Wife:

I will say it out loud, no shame: I used to want to be a full-on Sugar Baby. Not the cheap fantasy version you see online, but the real thing—pampered, polished, and possessed by a man who could afford to keep me dripping in luxury and attention. I was never on Seeking Arrangements or any of those sites, but when I got really sick, that dream became my secret lifeline. While my body was failing me, my mind was busy painting a future where I was not disabled anymore. I imagined myself as this feminine goddess: luscious long hair cascading down my back, completely hairless and smooth everywhere that mattered, skinny, full makeup—the whole package. The kind of girl men could not look away from.

I joined a private Facebook group full of girls who knew exactly how to weaponize their femininity. They taught me how to dress, how to move, how to speak, how to flirt with power and money. Every post, every tip, every “how to make him obsessed” thread lit a fire under me. It gave me something to fight for on the worst days. While I was stuck in a wheelchair, I was mentally rehearsing the version of me that would turn heads and drain wallets. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be admired. Craved. Spoiled. Chosen. Deep down, I did not feel worthy of any of it yet—but that fantasy made me believe I could be.

And then… it actually happened.

When we first connected on Twitter (yes, Twitter, before Elon Musk saved us with X) the sugar baby lifestyle was all that I hoped for and I absolutely was not looking for anything real. Commitment? Hard pass. Feelings? Too risky. But attention and shiny new toys? Those I could handle. So that was what I settled for. I strung him along, playing it cool, dropping hints about what I wanted without ever sounding desperate. He read between the lines perfectly.

He knew the game from the jump. I gave him a PO Box instead of my real address at first—safety first,—and every single week, like clockwork, a new package would show up. AirPods? Delivered with a cheeky video of him on the Apple website ordering them while I was lounging in Cabo, both of us convinced our flirty Twitter phase was fizzling out. A Pretty Woman DVD (yes, an actual physical DVD, the man has taste and nostalgia). Barstool Sports gear for days because we bonded hard over the unfiltered sports talk that made us both laugh like idiots. He spoiled me rotten, and I let him. No guilt. No apologies.

Every girl should experience sugar baby vibes at least once. There is something powerfully feminine about being pursued, pampered, and provided for while you keep your little heart in a little locked box. The hundred-dollar Venmos, the surprise drops, the thrill of knowing he is thinking about you every time he swipes his card—it is intoxicating. It is not just about the stuff. It is the power dynamic. The way it makes you feel desired, expensive, worth the chase.

But then it got real.

The constant contact—the good-morning texts, the voice notes that made me smirk in public, the weekends that turned into three hour-long FaceTime coffee dates—started cracking my walls. What began as “he buys me things, I give him attention” slowly became I can’t quit him. The sugar daddy arrangement was the gateway drug, but the real addiction was him. His humor. His voice. The way he matched my chaotic energy and then some.

Now? He still pays my bills. No more random Venmos, but the support is deeper, steadier, sexier in its reliability. He is not just a sugar daddy anymore—he is my man. My love. My favorite person on the planet.

Yet those Baby and Daddy vibes? They never left. They evolved into something deliciously playful and immature that keeps the spark filthy and fun.

We act like absolute children together. The kind of childish that involves wrestling over the remote (when we are physically together), ridiculous nicknames, and the kind of uncontrollable laughter that turns into happy tears and breathless squeals. I have never laughed as hard in my life as I do with him. The squeals he pulls out of me—they are embarrassing and addictive. When we first started talking, I used to slap my hand over my mouth— hiding my crooked smile from his view. We are talking full-on belly laughs that leave my abs sore and my face hurting. Pure, unfiltered joy. The man makes me happy in a way I did not know was possible. The kind of happy that makes you glow, that makes everyone side-eye you like, “Who the hell are you right now?”

There is something profoundly hot about a relationship that can go from “Daddy’s spoiling his baby” to deep, soul-quenching love without losing the playfulness. The power exchange is still there. He provides, I tease. He leads, I challenge. He has me feeling both safe and completely unraveled. A feeling I never expected. I thought that I would be the other woman. Or a sugar baby. Not the main event.

So if a man is willing to show up for you like that—financially, emotionally, playfully—do not be afraid to lean in. Sugar baby energy is not about being shallow; it is about knowing your worth and letting someone prove they can match it. And when the gifts turn into genuine love, when the “arrangement” becomes “forever,” it hits different. Deeper. Wetter. Louder.

I went from stringing him along with a PO Box to being completely, stupidly in love with the man who still makes me feel like the most spoiled and cherished woman alive—went from a sick girl who did not feel worthy of being looked at to the woman who gets spoiled, and loved so intensely/passionately it leaves me ruined for anyone else.

And those squeals? They are just getting started.

April 8, 2026
Stop Romanticizing the Past: Embrace Today

We have all heard it. We have all said it. “Man, things were better back then.” People are always yearning for the good old days—start appreciating everything today:

Nostalgia is not a memory—it is a seductive liar.

It edits out the bad.

The ugly.

We airbrush the boredom, the limited choices, the untreated depression, the rotten teeth (yay for healthcare!) and the way information trickled so slowly that ignorance felt like wisdom. I kind of do wish we ladies were still dumb, though… I rely more on my man to know what is going on in the world so that I can just be delulu about things.

And while we are busy pining for that heavily filtered past, the actual miracles are all around us right now. We are living in the most abundant, connected, opportunistic era in human history, and most of us are too busy doom-scrolling and whining to notice.

Technology seems to be sprinting. AI that writes better essays than most college students. Instant access to the entire library of human knowledge in your pocket. You can video call your grandmother on another continent while ordering takeout that arrives piping hot. And still, people scroll past miracles to complain that their coffee order took four minutes instead of three.

This change terrifies people. It always has. That is why every generation thinks the next one is doomed. But here is my hot take: your nostalgia is a coping mechanism for your fear of the unknown. It is easier to idealize 1997 than confront 2026. People are afraid. What is going to happen tomorrow or next month?

It seems easier to romanticize rotary phones than master and learn the new tools.

Stop yearning. Start appreciating—aggressively.

The secret is not in the past. It is in the lens. Shift it—or stay miserable.

Look at your smartphone not as a distraction device but as a doorway for wonder. With it, you can learn a language in weeks, watch a live surgery in Tokyo, or hear the voice of someone who died decades ago (I know… Creepy.) We treat these luxuries like it is normal. It is not. It is insane.

We find food in our grocery stores from every corner of the world. Planes and automobiles have actually united us. We consume other cultures and cuisines. This is the true meaning of America.

Surgery and modern medicine (despite its faults) make it absolutely insane to continue complaining about the small aches and pains. Some of us do not even walk; are you really going to cry about a hangnail?

The internet has also demolished geographic and social barriers. You can meet your person- someone who actually matches your weird frequency- instead of settling for the least awful option within a 10-mile radius. I personally would despise settling down with someone from around here. The old days had arranged marriages and shotgun weddings. We now have sad dating apps and yes, we rate each other based on our looks. So yes, trade-offs exist, but pretending the past was pure romance is historical fan-fiction.

In a culture addicted to outrage and comparison, choosing to appreciate the present is rebellious. It is punk rock. It flips off the algorithm that profits from dissatisfaction. People really do love to complain, criticize, and comment.

Essentially, the world is blossoming with possibility while you are staring at old yearbooks. One thing that has always bothered me is that most of our bodies are a biological marvel capable of running, dancing, orgasming, and healing—and yet people are mad about theirs not looking like a filtered influencer. It is called do something about it—if a disabled girl can lose more than one hundred pounds, you can do anything. The body is truly a marvel.

The mind is too.
Your mind can comprehend quantum physics (or silly girly things—like writing a blog!) and write love poems, yet you use it to relive 2008 politics.

The good old days are a trap. They keep you small, bitter, and blind to the abundance screaming for your attention. Every moment you spend mourning a myth is a moment stolen from building something better.

The world is changing so fast that if you blink too long in nostalgia, you will miss the best parts of being alive right here, right now. The coffee is hot. The internet works—until the power goes out, because living in the woods is great. Your heart is beating. The future is wide open.

Appreciate it all—fiercely, obnoxiously, unapologetically.

Or keep complaining. The past will not care, and the present will keep delivering miracles whether you notice them or not.

The choice is yours. But only one of them feels like living.

April 7, 2026
Fragrance Obsession: A Journey through Scents and Memories

My boyfriend is obsessed with fragrances in the most delicious way. He can spend hours watching reviews. He dissects notes like a mad scientist. He chases the perfect dry-down and obsesses over base notes. Years ago, he introduced me to Jeremy Fragrance. Back then, Jeremy was still deep in the fragrance rabbit hole. He was not preaching fitness and health yet. Now my man plays with layers of tonka bean. He experiments with creamy vanillas, warm spices, and light, fresh sea-notes. It is as if he was composing his own signature pheromone. I am not a certified nose. However, I have become dangerously good at finding scents. These scents will drive him insane. Those scents are especially anything heavy with tonka bean. The rich, sweet, almost edible warmth clings to his skin. It makes me want to bury my face in his neck for hours.

I never really had “my” scent growing up. In college, I went through a shameless phase where I only wore men’s cologne—bold, woody, masculine fragrances that screamed confidence. (I even wore Old Spice deodorant). I did it on purpose. I wanted every man who spent the night tangled in my sheets to walk out the door carrying my scent. It lingered on his skin, his clothes, and his hair. Let his girlfriend or wife catch a whiff of something undeniably male when he got home. A little floral or berry note from me would have been too obvious, too sweet, too feminine. No—I wanted to mark them. Quietly. Dangerously. Provocatively.

I NEVER EXPECTED THAT THE UNIVERSE WOULD PUNISH ME FOR IT—

Now that I am proudly spoken for, I have embraced my own rotation of scents. These scents make me feel like pure sin wrapped in silk. I adore my YSL Mon Paris. Its massive, unapologetic floral notes bloom loud and wet on my skin. Then there is Baccarat Rouge 540. It is expensive and addictive, with its fiery saffron and ambergris edge. It feels like liquid luxury. I wear Kai Ali Santal Wedding Silk more often than I probably should, partly because of the ridiculously romantic name. But honestly? I steal his Missoni Wave constantly. It is fresh, aquatic, and a little citrusy. It carries that signature Italian warmth. It smells like him—clean and expensive, yet somehow still filthy in all the right ways. I spray it on my wrists. I also spray between my breasts and along the inside of my thighs. It mixes with my own scent to convey that he is with me. I do this with all of his colognes. I have a nice little collection so that I can smell him at every moment of every day.

In this collection is his Abercrombie cologne—the one we bought purely for the scent memories it drags up. That one hits different. It pulls me straight back to those dimly lit, aggressively cologned stores of my teenage years. It was the kind of place where the bass thumped low. The lights were turned down just enough to make everything feel forbidden. Half-naked male models stared down from every wall and catalog page like gods you were not allowed to touch. I remember standing there as a high school girl. I was desperate to buy enough clothes to finally belong. I wanted to look like one of those catalog girls. They had sun-kissed skin and tiny waists. They radiated that effortless “fuck me” energy. I wanted to be wanted that badly. I wanted to be the fantasy.

Scent memory is such a beautiful thing. My boyfriend surprised me with Tom Ford Tobacco Vanille one day, and I became instantly obsessed. That rich, boozy tobacco takes me right back. The thick vanilla and warm spice remind me of the skinny French cigarettes. My “Auntie” (who is not actually related, but a really good family friend) used to smoke them when I was little. She smoked those elegant little sticks, lighting them with a flick of her lighter. The smoke would curl around her red lips like a dirty little secret. I used to crave sucking on those delectables when visiting a little French cafe in the future (I will never though, unfortunately, because they are no longer sold!) It is nostalgic and erotic all at once, like childhood innocence mixed with grown-woman hunger.

Every spray now feels layered with meaning. His cologne on my body. My perfume on his neck after I bury myself in it. Our scents collide and create something new. It says we belong to each other in the most primal, possessive way. We are together even when we are apart. It is foreplay. It is memory. It is identity. It is pure, delicious obsession.

April 3, 2026
The Princess Within: Embracing My Damsel in Distress Heart

From the moment I could dream, I wanted to be a princess. Not just any princess—This was not a fleeting childhood whim; it was the quiet heartbeat of my entire life. Even now, as an adult, that little girl inside me still looks at the world through tinted glasses. She hopes for magic and rescue. She dreams of a love that feels like it was written in the stars.

Ever since I was a little girl, fairy tales were never just bedtime stories. They were blueprints for how life should feel. I grew up listening to different princess stories than you. I mean every culture has its own rendition of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White. I devoured these stories. I was captivated by the princesses’ grace under pressure. Their kindness eventually led to their happily ever afters. I did not just want the happy ending; I wanted the entire experience. I longed for the gentle spoiling by a doting prince (and life itself). I yearned for the soft protection from the world’s harsher realities. I craved that undeniable sense of being seen and valued.

I craved being spoiled by life in the sweetest ways. Surprise flowers would delight me. Someone remembering my favorite coffee order on a bad day would lift my spirits. I cherished simply feeling like the universe had my back. Beside my desire for abundance and delight, I also deeply wanted to be saved. I longed to be rescued from sadness and loneliness. I yearned to escape the weight of carrying everything alone. I wanted arms that would wrap around me and say, “You don’t have to be strong right now. I got you.”

This is not about laziness or entitlement. It is about yearning for a softer existence. One where my vulnerability is met with strength and my sensitivity is celebrated rather than criticized.

Of course, every good fairytale needs its villain, right? In my story, my cousin first played that role. I affectionately refer to her as my “evil stepsister.” Growing up, her teasing and bullying left deep marks on my young heart. She was seemingly perfect and she made sure I knew that I was not perfect. Her actions portrayed her as the ideal antagonist in my personal fairytale. I continued to question my worth throughout my life because of it.

Essentially, those experiences did not break me—they shaped me. They reinforced my identity as the misunderstood princess waiting for her turning point. I learned to retreat into my imagination, where I could be graceful and worthy instead of awkward and overlooked. I built emotional walls disguised as daydreams. I always held out hope that one day my real story would begin. To this day, my mother loves to tell me that I live in lala land.

Looking back, I see how that dynamic taught me resilience, even if it hurt at the time. But it also cemented something deeper: my tendency to frame my entire life around the “damsel in distress” archetype. (Thank you Pretty Woman!)

I have basically organized my whole existence around this identity, and I am finally okay admitting it. I love romance that feels epic. I adore knights in shining armor who make me feel protected and adored. I thrive when life offers little sadness and provides moments of pampering. But unfortunately it is not all sparkle and glass slippers. It means I feel emotions intensely—joy like fireworks, sadness like storms.

I have had moments where I wondered if this part of me was too much. I have turned to my boyfriend with wide eyes and asked, “Am I simply too much?” His responses have been patient and loving. They remind me that wanting to feel cherished is not a flaw—it is a feature. I am not terribly spoiled. I do not demand the impossible or throw tantrums when things do not go my way. I just carry this princess heart. It believes life can be kinder. Relationships can be more. I deserve to be treated with tenderness.

This identity has influenced my career choices (or lack thereof), my friendships, and especially my romantic life. I seek connections where I can be soft without being seen as weak. I want to give my all to someone who sees my sensitivity as a gift, not a burden. And yes, I still believe in being saved sometimes. It is not because I am helpless. It is because partnership should include lifting each other up. And I know that I inspire/ motivate him.

The older I get, the more I realize that being a princess does not mean waiting in a tower forever. It means wearing the crown despite the life limitations that are around me.

I still want the magic. I still hope for grand gestures and quiet moments of being adored. But I am also writing my own story now. In this story, the princess has agency—does not just lay down. She attracts people who match her energy rather than just rescue her from it.

So here I am—still that little girl at heart, but with bigger dreams and a stronger sense of self. Proving that wanting softness in a hard world is not weakness and craving love that feels protective and spoiling is not childish.

Life has not always been a fairytale, but I am learning to create the chapters I always wanted. And who knows? Maybe my prince is already here while still leaving room for a little magic.

April 2, 2026